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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26183383">redamancy</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonatoms/pseuds/moonatoms'>moonatoms</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Lucifer (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, look all i'm saying is that i tried to write fluff, post season 5a</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:08:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,751</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26183383</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonatoms/pseuds/moonatoms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Chloe drives back to Lux and takes the elevator up to the penthouse, doesn’t turn on the lights, just steps out onto the balcony and waits. </p><p>Here’s a truth that could as well be a lie: he’ll come back to her. But maybe this is the real truth: he’ll come back to her if he can.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>A conversation set after the Season 5a finale.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>284</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>redamancy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Disclaimer: I don't own anything</p><p>Many, many, many thanks to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pellaaearien/pseuds/Pellaaearien">Pellaaearien</a> for reading over this for me!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He’s not at the precinct, or at Lux, or at her place. He’s not at the beach, <em> their </em> beach. </p><p> </p><p>He’s just gone. Vanished off the face of the earth. In his case, she’s sure that’s literal.</p><p> </p><p>Chloe’s mind spins and spins and spins, fear coiling tightly in her stomach until she feels sick with it. Until she has to pull her car over and throw up on the side of the highway, right next to a trash can that reeks of smoke and melted plastic.</p><p> </p><p>He didn’t leave voluntarily, this much she knows. Not after everything that’s happened, all the ways in which they have pushed and pulled and come together just to be torn apart again by heaven and hell and themselves, too. Not after he kissed her so passionately yet so infinitely gentle, like she was more precious than the stars and the entire universe. Like he was drowning and she was his anchor, the only thing keeping him afloat.  </p><p> </p><p>Not when he loves her, just like she loves him.</p><p> </p><p>(It’s the truth, it is.)</p><p> </p><p>She knows he loves her and yet, <em> and yet </em>, she can’t help the specks of doubt that rise up inside her sometimes. </p><p> </p><p>He is billions of years old and she’s <em> just a human </em> . She was <em> made </em> for him. Maybe he doesn’t want to bind himself to something so ephemeral, so fleeting. Being vulnerable means accepting that you <em> will </em> inevitably get hurt. </p><p> </p><p>And he’s been hurt so much already. First he hung the stars. Then he fell and fell and burnt. Then he was condemned to a world of darkness for billions of years. She doesn’t want to, can’t imagine it.</p><p> </p><p>Loving someone with everything, all the good, all the bad and all the things that are in between is scary for a human. </p><p> </p><p>For him, it must be something else entirely. </p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t want to push him into something he doesn’t want. If he needs time, she can give it to him. But if somehow, if <em> somehow </em> this is not what he wants and that’s why he’s shutting her out, she needs to know so she can figure out how to put her heart back together. </p><p> </p><p>So she can figure out if she can even put it back together.</p><hr/><p> </p><p>Chloe drives back to Lux and takes the elevator up to the penthouse, doesn’t turn on the lights, just steps out onto the balcony and waits. </p><p> </p><p>Here’s a truth that could as well be a lie: he’ll come back to her. But maybe this is the real truth: he’ll come back to her if he can.</p><p> </p><p><em> But what if he can’t </em> , she thinks. <em> What if he can’t and I did not get to say goodbye. What if he can’t and I did not get to tell him I know. That I know he loves me </em>.</p><p> </p><p>The scotch burns on her tongue, fills her with an ashen warmth. She refills her glass once, twice and falls asleep on his couch.</p><p> </p><p>When she wakes it’s to the gentle touch of his hand on her face. Still half asleep, she curves into it, seeking his warmth.</p><p> </p><p>It takes her a moment to fully come to, to realize that it’s really him and he’s really <em> here </em>.</p><p> </p><p>She kisses him before he can speak, long and hard and not gentle at all.</p><p> </p><p>“Detective,” he says slowly once they break apart. “Chloe. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to leave.”</p><p> </p><p>She nods, once, twice, her fingers tracing idle patterns along the edges of his shoulder blades and he shivers under her touch.</p><p> </p><p>“I know,” she replies quietly, hands never ceasing their movement. “What happened?”</p><p> </p><p>Lucifer inhales, exhales. Doesn’t speak for a moment, his dark eyes never leaving hers.</p><p> </p><p>“It was my father,” he says finally. </p><p> </p><p>Chloe sits up straighter, her eyes widening at his words. “Your father - <em> God </em> - came to the precinct?”</p><p> </p><p>Lucifer nods, his lips curving into a mirthless smile. He looks weary in the darkness, old with the weight of years and years of loneliness.</p><p> </p><p>“He wanted to talk. I told him I didn’t have anything to say to Him.” </p><p> </p><p>Lifting his hand, he stops her before she can say anything.</p><p> </p><p>“I know what you are going to say, Detective, but I’m not delusional enough to think anything has changed. And I don’t need to hear I’m a disappointment again. The first couple thousand times were quite enough.”</p><p> </p><p>She nods and decides to let it be for now. Knows he is not ready to hear; all the what-ifs and possibilities this could mean. Still, there is an uneasiness that’s settling deep inside her bones at his words. The fear that this is it, that God will decide Lucifer has to return to hell and she’ll be left here, again. Without him. </p><p> </p><p>That this time, it will really be forever.</p><p> </p><p>She swallows past the lump forming in her throat and stretches out her hand. Feels his skin, warm and soft and <em> real </em> under her fingertips.</p><p> </p><p>He’s still here. It has to count for something. It has to.</p><p> </p><p>(It’s a truth, it’s a lie. She doesn’t know what it is)</p><p> </p><p>Her hands wrap around his shoulders and she pulls him closer until her face is settled in the crook of his neck and she can feel his warm breath on her cheek. Neither of them speaks for a moment until finally, he pulls back enough that she can see into his eyes, always dark, <em> so dark </em>, like a cloudy, starless sky. </p><p> </p><p>“Chloe,” he begins, and she knows what he’s going to say, silences him with a tiny shake of her head before he can continue.</p><p> </p><p>“I know,” she says, breathes it into the skin of his neck. “I know, Lucifer.”</p><p> </p><p>He tilts his head and suddenly sees it; tiny specks of starlight in the black of his eyes, imperceptible to anyone but her. </p><p> </p><p>“What if I want to, need to say it?”, he asks, and the stars dance. “Because it’s the truth. Chloe, I do love you...how could I not?”</p><p> </p><p>The words swirl around her as she breathes in, exhales shakily and leans up to kiss him again. She feels light and heavy and dizzy at the same time and it’s all spinning together so she holds onto him, onto this, the press of his lips, the weight of his hands, the starlight in his eyes, lets it wrap around her like a cocoon, lets it anchor her. </p><p> </p><p>After a moment, Lucifer pulls back, but doesn’t let go, still so close that she can feel his breath on her skin.</p><p> </p><p>“The truth is I’m scared,” he says quietly after a beat. His face, albeit hidden by the shadows of the night, is raw. </p><p> </p><p>She lifts her hand, runs it along the side of his cheek, over his stubble, down to his jaw.</p><p> </p><p>“Detective...Chloe...you’re human,” he whispers, voice frayed at the edges. “In forty, fifty, maybe sixty years you will die. Maybe earlier. And you’ll go somewhere I can’t follow you.”</p><p> </p><p>She has to close her eyes. She has to keep them open. Wants to see, has to see, the way he is opening himself up like a secret book, a letter, just for her to read, for her to see. To understand what she already knows and would rather not.</p><p> </p><p>“And I’ve never...I don’t want to, I can’t imagine what it will be like losing you. I know it will destroy me. Do you understand? It will destroy me, more than falling from heaven ever could.” </p><p> </p><p>His voice is shaky now, barely above a whisper. His eyes are a storm, his eyes are the ocean, his eyes are all the galaxies, so intense, she can’t hold his gaze, has to drop her eyes down, her hands falling into her lap, fingers digging into her skin, leaving bruises. She bites her lip, doesn’t want to cry, not now, <em> not now </em>.</p><p> </p><p>She wants him to stop, doesn’t want him to stop. She knows he couldn’t anyway. </p><p> </p><p>“Because what I feel for you...I’ve never felt like this before. So open, so helpless, so vulnerable. And so strong, so warm, so loved at the same time. I...I can’t describe it. And it scares me. It scares me more than you could ever understand.”</p><p> </p><p>Tilting up her chin, Lucifer gently wipes away the tears she did not want to cry. The ocean of his eyes has settled down; the calm after the storm and with it comes starlight.</p><p> </p><p>“Chloe, I love you,” he says. “More than anything. And I don’t know how to deal with that. With everything. I want to be vulnerable around you. With you.”</p><p> </p><p>He swallows, takes a deep breath, exhales softly through his mouth. </p><p> </p><p>“I just...I just also want to be able to protect you,” he continues quietly. “I don’t ever want to feel as helpless again as I did when you were kidnapped by Michael. I know I will. But if I can safely step in between you and a bullet again, if I can stop an axe, or a knife from hurting, killing you, then that’s all that matters to me.”</p><p> </p><p>Something inside her settles at his words, like puzzle pieces coming together to form a picture. Because she understands, she truly does. She thinks of all the times he’s run head-first into danger, jumped in front of an axe and run into a burning building to save her, gone back to hell <em> twice </em> and knows she, too, would do anything to protect him.</p><p> </p><p>And the truth is, they do not know what will happen. The future lies veiled behind a mirror in the dark. It could hold everything, or nothing. But here’s another truth: right now, they are here. Together. And they love each other. And that’s enough. It has to be enough.</p><p> </p><p>Time is a falling star, a raindrop, ephemeral, never here to stay. It’s sand in an hour-glass, always running out too fast. But right now, it’s here. It’s real, <em> they’re </em> real. </p><p> </p><p>His skin is warm under her fingertips, his lips are soft. He smells like smoke and whiskey and in his embrace she feels safe and she feels <em> home </em>. </p><p> </p><p>This is all there is. This is all that matters. </p><p> </p><p>“I love you,” she tells him. Tells him again when she undresses him, slowly and unhurriedly. Writes it onto the skin of his back. Whispers it into his ear, just before she falls asleep, his heartbeat a steady rhythm under her ear; a promise. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I’m here, I’m alive, I love you. </em>
</p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><span class="u">redamancy (n.):</span> The act of loving in return.</p><p>I have a lot of thoughts about Season 5a and where the show is going. Ultimately this is a show about redemption and I’m really excited to see God and Lucifer finally talk!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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